Sunday, February 6, 2011

The Kid is the Key

This is the conversation I am certain took place between my two cats in the very early hours of this morning:

Rory Calhoun: We have to get outside, man.  This tiny apartment is stifling my hunter's spirit.

Sophie:  I know, totally.

Rory Calhoun:  Let's try our whiniest meows and see if that gets those lazy sods out of bed to let us out.

Sophie: Meow, whine, meow.

Rory Calhoun:  Hmmm, maybe if we jump on the bed repeatedly...?

Sophie: I'm jumping, I'm jumping.

Rory Calhoun:  I'm going to try scratching on the furniture and see if that does the trick.

(Elapsed time: 67 minutes)

Rory Calhoun:  It's no use, we've been whining for over an hour now, and the big one with the short hair just keeps snoring, and the smaller one with the long hair keeps hissing at me.  Ack!  She just sprayed me with water!

Sophie:  Oh, the nerve!

Rory Calhoun:  Okay, let's take a few minutes to regroup and come up with a new strategy.

Sophie:  Sounds good, boss.

(Elapsed time: 2 minutes and 39 seconds)

Rory Calhoun:  By George, I think I've got it!!!

Sophie:  What?  What?  What have you got?  Don't tell me it's fleas!

Rory Calhoun:  No, no, you imbecile, I've come up with a foolproof plan for getting those lazy buggers up and at 'em - or at least up for long enough to open the back door and let us out. 

Sophie:  Oooooh, let's hear it, then.  I'm all ears!

Rory Calhoun:  We scratch on door of the tiny one's room.  You know, the one that chases us around, screaming and trying to grab our tails?

Sophie:  I don't get it, boss.  That one is useless to us.  She can't reach door handles yet, and they have her in that cage with the open top so she can't get out of bed.

Rory Calhoun:  No, stupid, we don't need her to open the door for us, we only need her to wake up.

Sophie:  Huh?

Rory Calhoun:  Sigh.  Am I the only one with half a brain around here?  The kid is the key.  Haven't you noticed that whenever the kid wakes up and starts up that godawful racket, the big ones go running to her?  And by that point, they figure they might as well open the back door for us, since they're up anyway.  I'm telling you, the kid is the key.

Sophie:  Ahhhhh, now I catch your drift.  The kid is the key.  Genius, boss, pure genius!

Rory Calhoun: Yeah, I know, I'm kitty mensa material.  Now let's get to work!


(If you hadn't already figured it out, Rory Calhoun is the ringleader and Sophie is our rescue kitty - she had a rough childhood and, as a result, she isn't exactly the brightest sock in the drawer.)

So, anybody want a cat (or two)?


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