When I Am Me.

Inspired by Be Enough Me, I started thinking about when I am most me.  That's a hard thing to define, given that there are so many different definitions of me.  What side of me shows depends on the specific situation in which I find myself at any given moment. There is a lot of me in my job, working with young children as a speech therapist, and of course I pour almost all of my me-ness into parenting Lilah. 

But one thing that is just for me is my martial arts practice. I am so very me when I am riding a wave of endorphins and sweating it out alongside my classmates.  Perhaps it is because, through martial arts, I get in touch with my more macho side; the side that doesn't feel the need to deflect a compliment and walks with a bit of a strut; the side that is less inhibited and more self-assured.

It is incredibly liberating to set aside many of the expectations of my gender for a short time.  As I change out of my own clothes and into my gi (uniform), I also shrug off much of my femininity and the social "obligations" that accompany it.

While the number of women joining various martial arts seems to me to be increasing, the ratio of men to women  is still far from equal.  Now that I have moved up to an intermediate level Jiu Jitsu class, there are fewer women to partner with, but I really don't mind being a female in a mostly male class in a decidedly male-dominated sport.  There is a certain code that is followed by martial artists, male and female alike.  Humility is valued, everyone starts from the bottom and works their way up, and it's best if you check your ego at the door, but that doesn't mean you need to indulge in self-deprecation so as not to appear too cocky (as women so often do).  Because self-confidence is just as valued as humility is. 

In my Jiu Jitsu class, I take great pride in holding my own against 200 lbs (give or take) of sweaty man.  If I can just last a full round without being submitted, I feel I have accomplished something. As I gain skill and confidence, there are more of those moments when I am able to leave behind the self-doubt and just be. 

In my Muay Thai class, I am often the only female out on the sparring floor.  And again, I kind of like it that way; being able to hang with the boys.  They usually take it easy on me for the first minute or so.  But once I have landed a searing leg kick or slapped them lightly across the face with my foot, they start to view me more as an opponent and less as a girl.  And that is my moment of truth. 

That is where I find a whole lotta me.

I'm Actually a Ninja.

So, blogosphere, you and me, we've known each other for quite a while now.  You probably know more about me than you ever really wanted to, and you certainly know most of the sordid details of my life.  But did you know I'm actually a ninja?

Okay, well maybe not a ninja, per se, but I am a martial artist.  This is not something I have shared here at Lilahbility in the past because it didn't seem all that relevant to my thoughts on motherhood.  But I've been thinking about that more and more, and I have now come to the conclusion that motherhood and ninja-hood actually have a lot in common.  So I've decided I am ready to flying head kick my way out of the proverbial closet and tell you about my love affair with the martial arts.

Mid-kick while secretly 5 weeks pregnant with Lilah
(don't worry, my sparring partner knew not to kick me in the tummy)

Since I started training roughly 13 years ago, I have rarely gone for more than a few months without being involved in some form of the arts.  I started with Karate during my final year of high school in Ontario, picked up kickboxing when I moved to Vancouver, and then added Jiu Jitsu a few years ago.  I also dabbled in Capoeira for about six months shortly after I had Lilah and wanted something that guaranteed very little contact and would go easy on a nursing mother's (ahem) sensitive areas.

About five years ago, while I was training in kickboxing, I was lucky enough to meet and be taught by a Sensei who pushed me past what I thought were my limits and encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone and try competing in a few local tournaments.  I have learned a lot about myself through my participation in the martial arts, and even more through breaking down my own barriers and competing. I firmly believe that I would not be the same person I am today had I not traveled down this road, and I hope to be able to call myself a martial artist for the rest of my life.

The 

Victorious after a tournament

 Getting obliterated in my first and only kickboxing ring fight.
That's me on the right.  The one with hair.

Now, back to what mommy-ing and ninja-ing have in common.  The answer is, quite a lot.  I present to you the evidence in table format (Table 1.1, below) so you can see just how similar the two really are:

You see?  We're not so different from ninjas after all.  I suspect that there is actually a ninja dwelling deep within each and every parent.  And I challenge you to connect with yours!

Unfortunately for me, I'm not the only one in the Lilahbility household who's in touch with her inner ninja - Lilah appears to have picked up some skills during the martial arts classes she attended while in utero.  She always seems to sense when I am attempting a covert operation, and Babygirl sure knows how to fight fire with fire! 

The cutest little ninja you ever did see.