The Call of the Conch

Those of us who spend our winters bundling up against the cold, wind, and rain often feel the pull of a warm weather destination by about... mmm, mid-January.  Call it the call of the conch.

My dad and his wife have become quite the snowbirds, flying south to Florida for the winter, and for several years, we have considered paying a visit to their nest.  Somehow we have always found reasons not to make this trip from Vancouver: a fifteen hour travel day across North America with two small children, two flights, and a three hour time difference being high on the list of so-called obstacles.

But with three sets of parents mostly in their seventies, talk also turns to spending more time with them, and creating opportunities for our children to know their grandparents.  The need to show up, to be there, to be present.... becomes increasingly urgent as time marches on. 

So this year, we finally stopped focusing on what was holding us back and heeded the call of the conch.  And oh, we most certainly did not regret it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Unconditional Surrender." Exactly.

 

The moral of the story?  Listen for the call of the conch. And follow it.

 

 

Show up. Get there. Be present.

Because it matters.

 

And it will most definitely be worth it!

 

"I'd rather regret the things I have done than the things that I haven't." -Lucille Ball

 

The Invention of Lying Down Games

A couple of weeks ago I had a really rough bout of the stomach flu.  For just over 24 hours, all I could do was sleep, toss my cookies, or writhe around in bed with horrible stomach pains and moan.  I am not exaggerating.  And it took me the better part of a week once that part was over to really feel 100% back to my old self.

In that time, I had to get through a few (mercifully short-lived) times when I was alone with my kids and feeling ill or exhausted.  Enter the invention of lying. down. games.

Through my delirious haze, I somehow managed to convince my kids that it would be really fun to pretend Mommy was a sleeping dragon under the blanket on the couch, and they had to tiptoe around the dragon's cave.  If they were too noisy, the dragon would wake up and make them run laps from the living room to the kitchen.  (In previous, more energetic iterations of the this game, the Mommydragon would tickle them as punishment for their noisiness, but this time the Mommydragon didn't even have the strength for that.) 

Shockingly, they ate it up.  Lilah is still asking to play this game, and my inner Mommydragon is only too happy to oblige.  I'm sure it won't be much longer before she figures out how little effort it requires on my part.  But hey, as long as they're safe and having fun, it passes as parenting, right?

Have you invented any good lying down games I can add to my repertoire for the next time I find myself solo parenting through illness?

Life with Young Kids - The Truth

I just couldn't pass up this week's Monday Listicles topic, "10 photos from life with kids."  I have a number of friends who are on the verge of becoming parents or have recently had babies and I thought I'd take this opportunity to impart a few words of wisdom.  You're welcome!

Truths about life with young kids: 

You know how, when you look at other people's kids, and they have snot running down their upper lip and food all over their face, and you think, "I will NEVER let my kids walk around like that?"  The thing is, you will.  And you'll find them irresistibly adorable, even when their noses are snotty and they're covered in sticky food debris.  Sometimes even more so.

They'll give you this look. Frequently.

photo by Adam Schwartz

But then this look will follow closely on its heels, and you'll forget everything else, at least for a few minutes.

They'll come at you like this, especially when you're wearing something brand new and/or white.

They'll try to steal your beer. And your keys. And your phone. The TV remote.  And occasionally your dignity.

photo by Adam Schwartz

You will spend far too many hours of your life trying to dissuade them from eating dirt/sand/gravel/rocks, drinking from dirty sesspools, and generally endangering themselves and others.  It's kind of exhausting.

You will do whatever you can to help them pursue their interests, even when those change more often than their clothes.

They'll make you see the world through new eyes.

They'll make you see their co-creator through new eyes.

They'll teach you more about yourself than you learned in the entire first thirty-odd years of your life before they came along.

The truth?  The truth is, life with kids, while beautiful and fulfilling, is also messy, chaotic, and quite often even uncomfortable. Let's face it, it ain't all unicorns and rainbows. But we parents must be eternal optimists. (Either that, or complete fools.) Because somehow, the unicorn-rainbow moments are the ones that stay with us.

You.

You are kind and generous.

You are instantly liked by those who meet you.

You don't sweat the small stuff.

You are always a willing accomplice when it comes to dessert.

You are a caring, loving, and playful father.

You take on more than your fair share of the housework.

You do what needs to be done, without fanfare or complaint.

You put up with me when I make things more complicated than they need to be.

You are genuinely happy to make others happy.

You are almost too good to be true.

Happy birthday, You.

(Not in keeping with this week's topic, but a list nonetheless.)

How Do You?

How do you teach your child to do better next time without making her feel ashamed of what she has done?

How do you teach her to treat others with kindness while still respecting her personal boundaries?

How do you show her what it means to be polite while acknowledging her natural tendency towards shyness?

How do you encourage her to try new things when she is the type of child who avoids risk and takes time to warm up?

How do you teach her to stand up for herself and yet not retaliate when another child hurts her or takes something from her?

How do you teach her to use her words, but not to be a tattle-tale?

How do you avoid putting pressure on her so she can do things in her own time?

How do you teach her to be wary of strangers without being rude?

How do you make sure she can defend herself, but only when truly necessary?

How do you raise her to be confident in who she is and yet open to learning, growth, and change?

How do you?

 

Firsts...

The first time our eyes met.

Our first date, our first kiss, the first time we acknowledged the depth of our feelings.

The first time we called each other "husband" and "wife."

When I first gave him the news that we were going to be a family of three.

The first flutters of movement from within.

The first time we held her.

The first time I realized I was really and truly a mother.

The first time I nursed her.

Her first words, her first steps, the first time she called me "Mama."

The first time I told her she was going to be a big sister.

The first time he looked into my eyes.

The first time she kissed his tiny hands and told him she loved him.

 

Not the first time I have taken note of how blessed I am, and certainly not the last.

Ten Things I'd Forgotten About Having a New Baby

I'm breaking the rules for this weeks Listicle.  I am completely consumed by this tiny new being and this new way of life that he brings with him.  And I hope the List Master will forgive me for saying this, but in my opinion, new baby smell trumps new car smell any day!

Ten Things I'd Forgotten About Having a New Baby

1. How little sleep you actually get, and what sleep deprivation can do to your brain.

2.  That smell of absolute deliciousness. Even before they've had their first bath.

3.  Fluid retention and cankles.

4.  That I may want to throttle the Hubs when he asks if this is the first time the baby has woken to feed, when in fact it is the fourth.  But that all will be forgiven the moment he hands me a icy cold glass of water while I'm nursing, makes me a sandwich, or takes the baby from me at 4 am when my poor boobs just can't take any more and I need half an hour of sleep.

5.  That "sleep when the baby sleeps" isn't always possible.  There are other things to be done, like eating, showering, laundry, and this time around, there's also a big kid to look after.

6.  The hormone dip that occurs around day 3 after baby is born and reduces you to tears over the fact that the one pair of pants that fits you right now is in desperate need of a wash.

7.  That there is nothing as rejuvenating as 10 minutes to yourself to shower.

8.  Planting kisses on tiny hands and feet.

(Yes, those are flowers and butterflies on his bassinet sheets. Second child syndrome.)

9.  How long it takes for the belly to recede, and how pregnant you still look even a week after your tenant has vacated. 

10.  That friends and family are absolutely amazing.  There have already been so many gifts and offers of food and play dates for Lilah.  And our fridge has never been so stocked!  It reminds me how fortunate we are and makes me want to be a better friend/neighbour/relative when it's our turn to give back.

10 Things My Parents Did Right

My family has had its fair share of dysfunction.  But even as a child of divorced parents and various step-parents, I certainly recognize several things my parents did right.  Now that I'm a parent myself, I can appreciate these things and more:

1.  Both parents taught me the value of hard work.

2.  My mom, true to her Libra roots, always had that work-life balance thing under control, and she led by example.

3.  Both parents encouraged my various athletic endeavours, and I grew up knowing that what my body is capable of is so much more important than what it looks like.

4.  My mom always used the proper names for male and female anatomy and made it clear that I should never be ashamed of my body nor any of its functions.

5.  My dad was financially able to provide me with many opportunities, which is a large part of what landed me in the fortunate position in which I find myself today, but he always provided just enough to do something, and never enough to sit around doing nothing.

6.  They were generally scary enough that I didn't misbehave (too much), but approachable enough that I could talk to them.

7.  They allowed me to follow my own interests and didn't try to live out their own dreams through me.

8.  They remained civil and did their best not to make disparaging comments about each other to their children.

9.  Both parents have ended up in beautiful, loving relationships, and they model what love and commitment should look like on a daily basis.

10. Above all else, they loved me, and I never, ever doubted that.  Ever.

Go visit the Listmaster for more retrospective parenting tips!